i havent written in awhile, and i figured typing is way easier or less time consuming so here i go.

--lately, my life has been hectic? i feel like i'm the problem to the no solution. ive been fighting this mind situation for a good minute...that is, my mind wants and craves stuff that it cant always have and when its deprived of whatever it seeks, it goes into this lock-down depressive state; then in which its hard for me to think of nothing else.
im having money problems but who isnt? i own my parents/family thousands of dollars and several other "friends" as well. and my head reminds me of how much money other people own me that i will never receive..."those fuckin selfish deceitful bitches...though, i cant use their defaults and my excuses, though i do. i need to move on from a lot of things. i want to better myself but i cant seem to escape from this cycle of destruction.
my boyfriend and i have been together for almost a year. he is something worth living for. sometimes i think he's the only thing worth living for because i dont see how i have impacted anyone elses life in a positive way. though i think sometimes that he could do better than me, although he doesnt believe so.

i feel like im messing up a lot of things and that if i just left everyones lives, theyd live more productive lives. and those people who pretended to be my friends, well, they can just take the rest of me with them, i dont care really.
sometimes my past clouds my head with memories i dont want to remember...things i wish i couldve changed. and i feel so guilty--all the time. sometime it overpowers and sometimes it doesnt, but when it does, i give in...to myself, to my thoughts, to everyone who puts me down.

the night is here and i cant sleep as usual. the night scares me because im afraid i'll never sleep. when im alone i feel absolute emptiness. sometimes i feel alone when im surrounded, i cant help they way i feel, though i wish i could...

sometimes i can control my emotions with substances, though when im denied, its back to square-one. sometimes i take control too much and i feel worse than when i started out.

i get confused so easily that i cant even think stright, if not at all! all my emotions go wild like cows in a tornado. i wish the chaos just stopped once in awhile at least.

i think i do a lot of stuff to please people. when i see they arent pleased if hurts me a lot. i feel like i have failed in the only things im mediocre at. i dont think im even ok at that anymore anyways.

the only person that i can trust is my boyfriend. he's they line that holds my life. he puts a lot of things in perspective for me and see's the good in me. he gives me strength to keep trying and love ive never felt before.
i wish sometimes though that i could please him the way he does me. a lot of times i feel like i have to prove something or say something when nothing is needed to be said. maybe its the butterflies i still have for him that make me nervous sometimes when im around him. maybe i think he's too good for me and thats why i have to "try?" i dunno, all i know is that he makes me happy and i love him!

i feel hated a lot, which makes me feel worthless and stupid. i seem to always mess shit up and am blamed for everything. ill take the blame too because im too afraid to say what i feel even though im in the right. everything comes down on me and i make sure i punish myself for it.

i think sometimes that im so complicated that no one can figure me out, not even myself, which scares me sometimes because i dont know how to handle myself.

--well, i think this was good for not writing in awhile, although i know my thoughts are all mumble-jumbled...thats how it always is.
my body is beat but i have to make myself fall asleep. hopefully i wont have any crazy nightmares like usual.

♥